september / october 2001 10.31.01 happy halloween again! i decided not to do a damn thing tonight. my roomate and i just ordered some pizza and found creative ways to entertain ourselves since we have no tv or furniture. her mom kept telling us to get a deck of cards. luckily we have the internet and the village voice personal ads provide enough entertainment to last a lifetime. what does OTK mean? i hope it's nothing too dirty, this site is rated PG-13! good, GREAT music of the day -- george michael! since i have moved, i have uncovered and dusted off a lot of older cds. george michael FREEDOM managed to stand out today and i am listening to its beautiful sounds. it was my very first cd, that and the DiVinyls. remember their one hit wonder? laugh about it if you can! anyway, i was so inspired by george michael that i actually ordered Faith online. i can't wait to get it in the mail! another october come and gone. i can't believe i have been around for 25 years now. i am such a fossil. my mom asked me if i feel different being a quarter of a century old. i feel about the same. maybe a little more rickety, but that might just be from moving to a 3rd floor walkup. another thing i came across while moving in was a black and white disposable camera that joseph gave me a while back... i haven't shot anything black and white for a really long time since i don't have access to a darkroom. i usually shoot in such a way that i have to develop the film myself, lest i pay through the nose to have it processed. i am sort of looking forward to not trying so hard and just taking some pictures. i really miss photography in a big way. i know that all i have to do is just start again and everything will explode... i'll get there one day. p.s. has anyone seen james stills? i know he is in my town somewhere. come back james! 10.30.01 i am a huge fan of my new neighborhood. i moved into my new building on saturday night and since then, i have talked to several people who live in the building and maintain the building. everyone has been so nice and friendly. the neighborhood itself is beautiful, with lots of big brownstones and trees. today i went to go grab something to eat and i ending up taking myself out to lunch to this awesome japanese restaurant. then, this afternoon, i went to do my laundry and the lady who worked there introduced herself and showed me how the machines worked. she even got me singles when the change machine wouldn't take my new $5 bill. i didn't even ask her, she just took care of it. it's been a long time since i have been so into a new place that i have moved. it's wonderful to feel this positive energy that has been somewhat stagnant since moving to new york. and i suppose i am just referring to my own everyday dealings, clearly the energy of new york has been extraordinarily strong and powerful in recent months. i have just been living in a place that made me antsy... good riddance! of course, anyone who knows my history knows that i move pretty constantly. i think i might have found a place to sit still for a little bit. hey... happy halloween! i have some pictures from this year's halloween costume, i just have to finish the roll -- check back to see the bat girls! 10.29.01 whoops, i waited a few days to post some of this new stuff. i am all moved into my new crib!! yay! it is SO SO SO nice. can i emphasize how nice it is? sunlight really makes a difference! jess and i had so much fun with kris this weekend. he was our strapping lad for the weekend. we love him to pieces! thanks kris! nothing really new to report aside from the change of scenery, something that i always appreciate. it's quieter over here... and i have been on a news fast for the last few days. that has been particularly nice. i don't want to think about terrorism every second of my life. the situation really makes me angry. it is so hard to make sense of. i have mixed feelings about the military efforts, but i just try and hope that there is an end to all of this. it's all i can really do. i could ramble on for days, but instead i will remind you once again to read christine b's latest london diary entry. xoxo. 10.26.01 woohoo! kris is coming up this weekend! back from ireland for just few months until he scurries off again, this time to own some land. looks like i really am going to have to make trans-atlantic flight soon, either to visit him, or christine of london diary fame. speaking of which, she has submitted her latest entry. please read and enjoy! on the topic of transportation, and why not add to my ways that life has changed since that fateful day in september. my subway train stopped yesterday between stations. i really couldn't tell you how long we were stopped. it might have been 5 minutes, it might have been a half hour. all i know is that i stared at the subway map i was lucky enough to be standing in front of and allowed it to hypnotize me with me with all of its colors and patterns. i tried to ignore the nervous energy surrounding me, the nail biting, the hurried page flipping, general fidgeting. everything ended up ok, the train eventually started moving again. it's just different now. maybe it will go away. 10.25.01 25 years ago today, on this, the 25th day of october, in the Philippine Islands... a star was born. yes, stellargirl. me. my birthday today. thank you michelle for your lovely gift, the Chocolat DVD, i couldn't have dreamed of anything "sweeter". birthdays come and go, but it's nice to have one day out of the year where you can say, hey, this is MY day. this time last year i was in san francisco and missing my friends, now i am in new york and finding new friends and still able to visit with the old. it's a wonderful combination. thanks to everyone who has been a positive element of my life. i hope that we continue our lives together for many more birthdays, yours and mine. 10.22.01 God Roz. How are you doing? I'm sorry that I've been lax about being in touch, but I guess I just got settled here and into a routine and blah, blah, blah. But , I just read your 10/17 entry about Pataki and my stomach just fell. I'm at loss worrying about all of my friends in New York, feeling so safe and secure (obviously in a relative sense) here in Philly where things are going on as usual. I can't imagine living day to day wondering what's going to happen next, is it going to be or someone I know? It's strange being in Philly. I feel safe, but at the same time, in the back of my head I'm wondering if it's only a matter of time before shit goes down here, too. With cities like LA and Chicago still seemingly unscathed by any major terrorist attempts, I feel like Philly is certainly a long shot. But, New York is not. And my friends are there, you are there. So, when I hear things like "there's anthrax across the street from where I work" I naturally get scared and wonder when is this fucking debacle is going to personally touch me. And that's a shitty way to live, and I try not employ that mindset as a general way of thinking. Things suuuure are different. My life and goals have so radically changed since this all began. In a strange way, I'm happier than I've ever been in recent memory. The events of last month made me realize the fleeting fragility of life. How all of those people went to work that day, with goals and dreams and ambitions just like mine, and BAM , snuffed out with no warning. I guess it made take stock of what my goals, my dreams would be if I were going to die tomorrow, or rather, would goals and dreams I should be pursuing in case I would die tomorrow. I guess I simply decided to go after my heart of hearts: acting. Nothing else fulfills me or makes me feel as present and aware as when I'm on stage, or in a rehearsal room working towards truth; my truth and in a broader sense, a more global truth that I will hopefully be able to give to other people. I need and yearn for art to become an integral part of my life. And after realizing that, everything else in terms of career doubt, focus issues, seemed to clear up and I've been able to concentrate on healing other parts of myself. So, I'm applying to graduate school for my MFA in Acting. And i'm going to get in. Somewhere. I have to and I will because I'm ready. And the fucked up part, is that I really believe it. I've made a string of decisions that turned out to be, luckily enough, really solid, responsible, mature ones. I think I'm finally getting old enough, or have been out of school long enough, to have a history of mistakes from which to learn and not repeat. Breaking unhealthy, fuck unhealthy, counterproductive, patterns of behavior is flat out empowering. I'm starting to realize that compromising with yourself isn't always giving up on your dreams, it's realizing that you can't have it all right now at 24. Or I can't have everything that I want right now, because I'm still in the process of learning what that is. Anyways, just a ramble to let you know that I've been thinking about you and sending you all the good energy I can muster from here in Philly. Did I tell you I'm moving, too? Back into my own place, my space, my world. I do hope you'll come visit. Love, Love and more Love. Chris. 10.17.01 they just found anthrax in governor pataki's manhattan offices. little did i know that i work across the street. i hope this stops soon. 10.16.01 i swear, i think i have been too busy reading other people's journals so much that i have forgotten that i have actually have this site and friends that come from time to time to see what is up with me -- i haven't really been saying too much. you don't understand though, i think a lot about stuff that i plan on writing on here, or somewhere, anywhere, and it just flutters away as quickly as it came to mind. i gave myself no excuses tonight, however. it takes me an hour and half to walk home from work at night. i suppose that i could take the subway home, but the way i see it, that's less time to be spent on the subway which sort of doesn't seem as "safe" as it once was. hard to say really. it gets me to work quickly every morning, but things are different. in my eyes, anyway. i am more suspicious. being packed in like a sardine is nervewracking for different reasons. i just tune out and count to ten repeatedly and look out the window and watch the walls go by. so back to my walk home from work. this is where i do a lot of thinking. it's my alone time. i think about my future, and my immediate plans, about my friends, and what i am going to have for dinner. but i also think about how things are different. how everything has changed. how things are going to keep changing. and i seem to love change. i am moving again. same city, new area. i can't wait. that's right, i am staying. lots of people are leaving, lots of people ask me why i would stay. but why wouldn't i? sure we have anthrax, but we also have lots of excitement and culture. new yorkers are strong people. they are teaching me to be stronger. it took me some time. there were many times i wanted to leave before any of this happened. but i am still standing. if you are reading this, then you are still standing, too. be happy about that. 10.9.01 i can't even tell you how many times i have intended to sit down and write some stuff on here. for those of you that are still visiting, thanks for coming, because i know i haven't been the best about keeping this updated! this has been a crazy month -- very busy, which has been really good for me. things are changing all the time, in the world, in this fine city of new york, and also in my daily life. as always, there seem to be big decisions and choices for me on the horizon and i am debating (as ever) about what i should be doing. one thing i can let you in on is that i am moving in the next month, within the same city, but i am really excited. it just kind of fell into place unexpectedly. i am looking forward to running around my new place like a total maniac! yesterday my old boss from san francisco, who has since transferred to cambridge, MA, came to visit NYC and we had breakfast together. we had a really good time talking about life, the industry, the world. on his initiative, i joined him in a walk down to the ground where the world trade centers once stood. the area is sealed off for many blocks, but with the little time that i was able to spend down there, i was able to witness first hand the enormous pile of rubble that lies there in the wake of the horrific attacks on our country. there were many other gawkers around, but i think everyone there wanted to and specifically NEEDED to see for themselves the utter destruction. living where i live uptown, sometimes it is hard for me to realize the significance of the terrorist events of september 11. sometimes the feeling of doom permeates me, i literally feel chills running down my spine. i hate the feeling of helplessness that can take over. i loathe the fact that there are people are filled with such hatred and animosity for our country and our people. but then i have to remind myself that the most important thing is that i have to just live my day to day life as i always have, and to do what i can to be a good person. my brother has been a really good influence to me, reminding me not to be scared.... as have my dear friends who tell me that i just have to go about my business and live life. it's frightening to think that perhaps my fate is out of my hands, but at the same time... when is fate ever in your hands anyway? so anyway -- we aren't even halfway through my favorite month of october just yet, but i am looking forward to new changes, visiting friends, trips home... and of course to my 25th birthday!! thanks for stopping in to read.... love you guys. xoxo 9.25.01 i need to stop drowning myself in gloom and doom -- i think that this is an appropriate time to take a moment think about what i love about autumn. it is my favorite season of the entire year... for so many reasons. i will write something nice for you! now you write something nice for me, tell me some good fall stories! pretty please! 9.23.01 i am disappointed in myself lately. i have been letting myself get way too freaked out over the recent events. in no way am i suggesting that they should be taken lightly, i am just allowing myself to be afraid. i have been compulsively reading and watching the news. every new fact and detail drives me crazy. i guess i just want someone to tell me that it is going to be okay, and i want to be able to believe them. 9.18.01 today marks one week since we were attacked by terrorists. i wish i had something enlightening to share with the world, but i am very confused about what i feel, what i understand, how i think our country should respond. i have asked some of the stellargirl community to respond by writing what comes to mind given the topic "What America Means to Me." i have gotten a few responses so far. i, myself, am still trying to put all of my ideas together. i know that some of my peers are really giving this a lot of thought, and i truly appreciate that. 9.11.01 this is a day in history that we will never forget. i just wanted to let my friends around the country and around the world know that i am okay, and i have checked in with most people and we have been lucky so far. it is very surreal to be mere miles from this horrible tragedy at the world trade centers. and i am praying that the tragedies of today will cease at once. to everyone, i love you, and be safe. 9.10.01 dear stellar readers: please accept my apologies for my lack of new content on this site. i have been taking a bit of a hiatus from stellargirl lately. i have been surprisingly busy with social and freelance commitments. this is a good thing! i have also been thinking about new directions for stellargirl, where i want it to go, how i can involve my peers, etc. additionally, i have been working on a new design. the truth is, maybe this is the right design, and maybe i should just focus on providing you with new and interesting things to read. 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