may 2001 5.28.01 i saw chocolat today for the third time. i had to take my mom to see it since she had lost faith in movies. "too much swearin', too much violence," she says. she doesn't get out much. but i still love her. today was/is memorial day, i did nothing of interest. actually, i drove around the countryside a lot, that was nice. i won't be seeing much of that soon enough. i guess i am trying to drink in the scenery around here before i leave. i can't wait to get out of here, because i am SUCH A BORE. and i am not really, i just am in this environment. i feel totally UNproductive, though i did make some crafty things last week. now i have some new projects that i would like to work on after i get settled again. what is my problem? why am i always moving? i like it, it's exciting. but why am i throwing around words like "settle?" i know how i am. i think that is why i like the movie chocolat so much -- because juliette binoche (vianne) follows the north wind and travels from town to town. but she figures it out eventually. people who don't travel scare me sometimes. i mean, there is a whole country, a whole world out there and some people never even leave the state. my family is so scattered and well-traveled, i can't even imagine not taking every opportunity to see new places. current destinations on my list: prague, barcelona, australia, dublin, and japan. and guess what? i was born in the philippines. one more week. if you want to see me, you better catch me. 5.25.01 more more more. i am officially leaving, AGAIN. what else is new? i can't wait, i am truly excited. i guess the planets must have gotten back to where they belong. i am excited to have a social life again. i have been a total hermit in this transitional period. i know what i am doing, making sure that i don't grow new roots here. it's time to go, always time to go, to move on, and grow and learn. always, keep moving. or at least be in a city that never sleeps. that's where you will find me. awake. 5.24.01 it's almost summer and the flowers are coming off my flip-flops. that's no good. makes my feet feel funky! note to self: forward motion, don't look back. 5.22.01 today i opened my red umbrella from san francisco in new york city. coast to coast, that is just the way i like it. saw lots of stuff today, people, places, apartments, krispy kreme donuts -- although i did not partake in one of those (regretfully)! what is it about those krispy kreme donuts anyway? and what is "kreme" exactly? it has been raining and raining. this weather is making up for all of the nice days that we have been having. 3 days of rain here pales in comparison to the rainy season that is the winter of san francisco. i bring that city up again, why? because it is nice and beautiful i remember it fondly. the time has come for new adventures, however. although i am mostly confused, i am ready to grasp hold of the things that are beckoning me from afar. there have been so many turns of events in the last few days. my world could quite possibly be turned upside down by the end of the week. and that is just the way i like it.... 5.17.01 please tell me that the planets are misaligned or something because most people i know seem to be having trouble deciding that to do with their lives lately, including me! i long for the days when a decision just seemed clear cut and easy. i feel like i have three doors in front of me, and i have to open one, but one of them might have some goofy thing behind it, like a billygoat or something! (pardon me, i am thinking about the game show, Let's Make a Deal!) in some ways, i know what is behind the three doors, i know that i just have to roll with it, i know that i can make them all work, but i do have to pick just one. this is how my day goes, i drive somewhere and think, yes i know what choice to make. i drive somewhere else and think, that's the wrong choice, this would be better. then i call a friend and think, both of those are wrong, THIS is the right decision. i hang up the phone and call another friend and think, oh no, i can't do that, i should do this. then i go to sleep and wake up and think, no, that one isn't right, i should make this choice. this also has to do with my ridiculous habit of overanalyzing things. i am getting really close to the point of writing my lifeplans on little bits of paper and picking one out of a hat. i will let you know what i decide! personal words from christine b. below (read her latest london diary entry). Dearest darling Roz-- I read the decoupage; what are we doing with our lives and felt the need to put my 2 cents in. It sounds like you are in the same boat as me in this moment of life and fuck, it ain't glamorous even if London does rock. Every one keeps saying- hey, you are young, don't worry, just get up off your duff (no pun intended ) and do it!! and I say-- DO WHAT? What the fuck am I doing here-- why am I 23, almost 24 and waiting tables in a foreign city; living at my boyfriend of four months house- who I am convinced, is secretly beginning to resent me; waiting for letters to come saying, yes, you are good enough, yes, we want you, come to graduate school here and shell out 15,000 more bucks. Every one (and keep in mind that most of the people that i know here are a bit older than me) seems to have this well established very enjoyable career, a life, a certain amount of satisfaction in daily routine. and I am sitting here freaking out wondering when I get all of this too, dreading finding out that maybe I am going to slip through the cracks and be a forty year old waitress. I just want to split a bottle of wine with you (preferably a fruity red like a beaujolais or spanish rioja) and have you look me in the eyes and say-- I get it! GOD, I get what you are going through. And then we can launch into our many dreams and plans... spinning webs of alluring lives... So, you do not get any consoling words from me Rozzie-- no you can do its, no I believe in yous. Just a dude, this sucks, it seems indeterminably long, and I am convinced that I will fail and end back up in Philly. The only words of advice that I can cling to at all here-- and I offer them to you, comes from the mouth of my Scottish manageress, a kindred spririt. She, upon a discussion of difficulties just stoicly remarks in her lovely brogue: "well, you just have to get on with it, don't you!" Oh, dear Roz, we must "get on with it". One foot in front of the other and onward christian soldiers! I give you my undying love, Christine b. 5.15.01 new LONDON DIARY from christine b. is this trip up or what?? too late in the evening, or too early in the morning. you decide. i came across my high school yearbook this evening. i couldn't believe how many perms and mullets i attended school with. i think i am going to go back to the yearbook and do a full-on mullet count. wish me luck. career/future prospects this coming day.... 5.14.01 this email is a week old, but i just like it very much: hi roz- so you are back east as i have been reading. the new site is really sharp. it is Almost Frightening. the banners of face portions are strangely haunting-- i think of what you had talked about circa spring 99 about faces on buses and other public places. which also reminds me to wish you a happy two year "anniversary." i just got back from a few days with friends in kentucky. we went down for the derby which you may know, for the majority of the 150,000+ in attendence, has nothing to do with horses. derby day was essentially characterized by mint juleps in the morning followed by 90 degree relentless sun and massive intake of good bourbon and cheap beer. just about in that order. i happened to bet on the winning horse. it was an exhilerating kind of thing. i'm thinking back to the summer after school was over and how miserably i waited for fortune to come tap my shoulder with a holy plan for happiness. i don't really know what i have been able to figure out since then about the topic other than to take more roadtrips with friends and good rock n roll. and to drink some mint juleps this summer. they are quite divine. let's have a personal update sometime soon. susa 5.13.01 i have to remember to take the trash out tonight. these are the kinds of things i have to remember in my seemingly dull, yet mildly interesting suburban life. today i went to a really large flea market. i enjoyed it very much. sometimes i think that i would like to make it more of a habit to go to flea markets and yard sales and sell my wares, maybe even do a little refinishing, etc. who knows? i have NO idea. i guess i will figure it out soon enough. aside from my countryside driving, flea market browsing, trash removing day, my only other plan is to watch the E! True Hollywood Story about Martha Stewart. happy mother's day! 5.11.01 i hate UNEMPLOYMENT. here is my experience with this program thus far. the first time i called, they told me i had to call back the next week. the next time i called they didn't answer any of my questions and hung up on me. so today i went to an actual unemployment office. it was closed! so i called the number on the door this afternoon and while i was on hold, the polite "thank you for calling, bla bla bla" message got stuck and instead of repeating every 30 seconds or so, there was no delay. so it was this recorded woman saying the same thing over and over again. so while i was waiting, listening to the broken record, i went to the unemployment website, where the recording said i could also file. i go through the site and it's not even working right! i couldn't get to the forms that i needed to get to. so finally, some guy answers the phone, and i tell him that the website is broken. and he is like, "it ain't broken!" and i say "yes it is!" then he tells me not to "bullshit" him because it is the end of the day. well, i finally got it all cleared up and i should be expecting some stupid paperwork from dear old Harrisburg next week. 5.10.01 i finally cleaned my room today. it isn't actually my room, since i am in a temporary residence. i get the feeling that making this room more comfortable is just going to be a jumpstart for fate to get me out of here sooner! it is pretty exciting to be sleeping on a bed since i have been sleeping on a futon on the floor for the last six months. that was fine with me, though, because i wasn't ready to commit to living where i was. i have trouble with commitment in general. perhaps that is why i quit playing like 10 different musical instruments when i was young. of course, that might have had something to do with the fact that i have a tin ear! visual is so much more my thing than auditory... i have had a twitch on the left side of my nose since i left california. now i have a twitch in my right thumb. and my toe is tapping on the floor. i guess i got some nervous energy going on. i don't feel nervous, just antsy. i have been in this limbo phase way too many times this year. i just don't think that i make the best use of this unexpected free time. i just don't really know what to do with myself. i saw a cool 50's style table and chairs yesterday at this little vintage store. it needed some good scrubbing, but i think it had a lot of potential. i might go back for it this weekend. it could be a fun project. the smell of wedding cake is in the air. literally. buttercream frosting and all. 5.8.01 getcrafty sent out their update today because one of their fabulous interns wrote a really great article about Sassy magazine! that is one of the best magazines of all time in my humble opinion. well anyway, my quote on glitter (the getcrafty messageboards) made it to the email, how i think Jane, BUST, and Bitch are the perfect trio of magazines (although Jane will never be as cool as its predecessor Sassy!). it was very funny to see my name on there! anyway, click here to read that great article about Sassy. 5.7.01 later on.. here is some good stuff that i missed in san francisco, a visit from david eggers. can i just tell you that i am bored out of my mind? i know i should be doing something better with my time, but right now i really don't know where to begin. the amount of job switching i have been doing since i finished college has been completely insane. i need to focus on getting up on out of here. need to take care of the necessary things to make this next move easier. stellar readers, what are you reading today? 5.7.01 as if all this family wedding stuff wasn't enough, one of my dearest friends from growing up just got engaged! congratulations christie and joe! 5.6.01 this past week has been a lot of fun. yes, it has been a little stressful at times, but it has been so great to spend time with my family. my brother came with his family and i got to meet my new nephew for the first time. i wish i lived closer to them, so i could watch my nephew and nieces grow up, but every time i see them it is like we just saw each other yesterday! i am back in my native pennsylvania and it has been great to see my friends and some of my favorite east coast things, like my parents' green grass and the things that i grew up around. the clock is ticking, however, and i hope to move on again before the end of the month. i don't think i have realized that the chances of me finding employment in the web industry again are probably rather slim. half of me cares and the other half thinks that this is just the final push to do something that i have always wanted to do. the truth is, i have been bouncing around like crazy since i graduated college and i expect that i will continue to do so for the next few years. that's okay with me. why settle? i have no interest whatsoever. my parents are in the next room with my aunt and uncle from oklahoma watching the video from the wedding last night. they are laughing their asses off and it makes me really happy. family is really important. yeah, they make you crazy, but i have found that you can always count on them. maybe i'm just lucky that way. hope that everyone had a nice weekend. 5.1.01 check out the pictures from the Just Like Heaven show, thanks aaron. i haven't decided what i want to do with my website. i have a way of rebuilding the site in the exact same way, putting all of the energy into updating it and changing it and then realizing that it is nothing at all what i want and then i close my eyes and my idea is suddenly right there before me. things on my end have been crazy for a number of reasons. one reason is that my sister is getting married this weekend, so my house has been and will continue to progress into absolute chaos. the other thing going on is that i am in search of a job, and i am confused about the next direction in my life, wondering if i should continue on the same path or take a different road that i have not yet walked. lots of thinking going on in this head o' mine. but that is normal for me! always wondering about stuff! thank you dear readers and friends for all of your emails and feedback. i know you guys really like those fluffy email features and i like them, too, they are fun to read....in the new site, which is still developing, these emails will have their own section called decoupage, which is a craft term for taking bits of paper and glueing them together to create something beautiful. i think that to hear a cross-section of the communication i receive from my peers is a beautiful thing, and i am happy to share it with you. so below, i have an ENTIRE email from a friend. i do this to honor him and his writing and i will take it right down if he can't stand it, but i think it is a testament to our youth and confusion and i am not sure if he knows that he is not alone, that we are all pretty confused and you just need to listen to your head?heart?gut? you just need to try everything. hi sweets: checkin' out the new digs on stellargirl, and totally dig your new, fabulous revamps, especially the new banners. although, i really miss the "uniting stellar girls and boys everywhere" tagline. it was such a nice unifying thread for the whole site in my opinion. and, the side definitions of the different sections totally works as well, as well as the renaming of the fluff section. decoupage succinctly captures the feel of the section, random tidbits from everyone's seemingly disparate lives coalescing to show that no matter who you are, where you are in your life, what you're doing with your life, we're all going through the same shit together; finding and defining our young burgeoning voices, just fuckin' putting them out there to see what happens. roz, this is such a bizarre time for me right now. in my quest for forward momentum and emotional/mental/spiritual growth, i simply yearn to end up in a place with a palpable sense of community that not only speaks to me, but anchors me. the places that i've traversed over the past two years since graduating college have all provided with unbelievable "life lessons," yet i still feel the need to continue exploring and searching. london wasn't a fit, new york didn't seem to be what i was looking for either (strange thing with new york was the fact that for the first time i was actually content, yet i didn't know what the hell i wanted to DO in new york, and the city is difficult to navigate when you haven't a clue where you want to focus your energies). so, i made the decision to leave, to keep on searching. and what got me out of new york was the lure of the west, california to be exact. the prospect of sunny skies and a more relaxed, laid back lifestyle called to me with the utmost poignancy. however, i realized that once i got out there, i would be in the same position as i was when i got to new york and london, not REALLY knowing what i wanted out of the cities except a chance to reinvent myself and follow my instincts that said i would find what i was seeking within myself. and sometimes i have a very definitive idea of what i am seeking on this plane of existence. and just when i think i have a remote clue of the direction i want to head in, something out the blue comes into my life to make me question myself and my decisions all over again. this time, a job offer from a broadway producer that had offered me a job in the early fall. initially i turned it down because of money, but now he contacts me some five months later trying to renegotiate the terms of employment. i mean, what's the deal? i LEAVE new york (and the last three weeks i was there i pleaded with the gods to give me a reason to stay) and now there is the offer to come back. but i've made plans for the summer and plans to move to dc in the fall. plans that include a whole new lifestyle regimen, ones that i was exicted about. so, do i uproot plans again to go back to something that provides some semblance of stability or do i continue on with the new path i have chosen? life throws these friggin' curve balls that smack you right in the face and once the swelling goes down you find that you're right back at the place you started. what am i searching for? a more realized sense of myself, the world, and my place within it? certainly. it's just that i seem to always second guess where i should carry out this search. oh, dear, i don't know if this makes any sense at all, i just needed to vent. and that's why stellargirl is so, well, stellar. throughout all of my adventures and misadventures in new york (even though i never "contributed" to stellargirl) i followed your journey through san fran, christine's in london, susannah's in pittsburgh and found solace in the fact that there were other brilliant and sentient beings of my age going through the same trials of early adulthood. in short, thanks for maintaining a site that provides solace and reassurance to those of us constantly immersed in the search for ourselves and our world. let's talk soon? 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