june 2001 6.30.01 today is the last day of june and the very beginning of a long summer. june has been sort of a dull month for me, but kind of exhilirating at the same time -- after all, i moved AGAIN. i was looking through my old yarn entries from the past few months and my writing has really changed recently. i may be in a fabulous city right now, but my state of mind is in a far less interesting place. i feel that things will be changing soon, i will make sure that is the case. here i go again, rambling rambling. someone tried to scam me at the metrocard machine yesterday in grand central station. lucky for me, i spent some time in rome and got wicked street smarts! yeah! that reminds me of the time one of my friends visited and she brought with her the hugest suitcase i had ever seen! hah. anyway, these little kids came up to her and tried to pick her pockets since her hands were holding her bags. i stepped in and took care of business! go me! ohhhh, do i ever miss rome. there is a deal right now on this airline for group fares to europe. i have been talking with some of my friends from the rome program about having a little reunion in 2002, which would be our 5 year reunion...but maybe 2001 is a better year! if anyone is interested, join the party... i think the tickets can be as low as $200. that sounds like the right price! but then again, who wants to deal with all those people!! i would love to spend christmas in rome. they really get into it there. i left right as it was getting good. in piazza navona, they have this huge christmas fair that starts in early december. there are also little white lights everywhere, stretching from building to building down narrow cobblestone streeets. it is like being in a dream. being in rome is like being in love with love. 6.28.01 okay, i have acknowledged it before, but it was confirmed by an email today. i have been way too preachy on here. do you want to know why? i am just expressing the things that i have been telling myself over and over to get through a frustrating time. and it's true, it just so happens that many of my close friends are in related situations, being confused about life and love, etc. yesterday i said that maybe the things that make you happy were already surrouding you, and that could still be true -- that is a way to make the best of a situation. i have a friend who has a different opinion. she thinks that you should always be looking for what makes you happy, so that your life will always have meaning and be interesting. i agree with that, too. i guess my thoughts come from the fact that i have been running around trying new jobs and cities, and now i want to slow down and build a little something right now. i am not sure what that is, and my impatient self is just dying to know. but being that i am in new york city, which in itself is like this amazing world separate from anything i have ever known, i think that the answer is sitting right in front of me somewhere. why not? it's there if i want it to be. so anyway, the point is, any kind of feedback i get, i think about. whether i like it or hate it, i always think about it. before i moved here, one of my best friends told me that he didn't think that i would be happy here. since i never really asked his opinion, i got kind of mad at him. i felt like he was instigating me. and he was, in theory. but it made me think about why i wanted to come here and if it really was right for me. and i figured out that i was ready, and i did want it. and maybe that was his intent all along. he wanted to me to be sure. 6.27.01 what's new in stellar-land? not much, my friends. it's hotter than a steaming teapot in new york city. i have been keeping cool by the buzzing breeze of my new air conditioner. can't wait to see the electric bill -- eek! i have very little news to report. i am charging my roomates cordless phone beside me, it looks as if it were sculpted out of avocadoes. there is nothing like thoughts of avocadoes on a summer day. guacamole anyone? mmm. this is a confusing time for myself and many of my friends. people have been emailing me about their jobs, their boyfriends and girlfriends, their location.... everyone is confused about why they are where they are and if they are doing the right thing. i have been plenty confused in my life, and i know that it is far from over. but lately, i have really been trying to focus on a new direction, and it is helping. i like to bounce around a lot and that trait will never leave me, but i am attempting to ground myself, slightly. sometimes it's good to just STOP and take a look around. maybe all the stuff that you are looking for and wondering about is sitting right in front of you. maybe it is a part of your everyday life. i know it's silly, but sometimes it's nice to just close your eyes and have a little daydream about all of the pieces coming together in your life, just to give yourself a really great moment. don't be surprised if you start to feel better. 6.23.01 someone asked me recently what my favorite thing about new york city was so far. for a new resident, i really had to say the subway. i mean, it's so great! it goes everywhere, it's fast, and on these hot, muggy days we have been having, it's almost pleasant to get into an air-conditioned car. of course, sometimes you gotta squish yourself right in between two other hot people, but then you remember to just lean back and the cold plastic seat can send a real chill up your spine. okay, so maybe the experience isn't all that riveting. the most exciting part about the subway that i have noticed so far is the interesting forms of entertainment, mostly musical, that i have seen thus far. there is a man who stands in the transfer tunnel at the 14th street stop, when you are switching to the L. he always seems to be singing beatles songs on his acoustic guitar but he sings with such joy and power that his voice fills the entire tunnel with beautiful music. the best part is when you get close to him, he flashes you the most wonderful smile that you have ever seen and it feels like you are walking right through his heart. i love it. because of where i live and transfer, i would have to say that the times square stop has definitely been providing the most entertainment. a few weeks ago, i was switching to the S to get to grand central station and i heard this music that almost sounded like circus music. that with the combination of sight, smell, and hurried energy, transported me to a foreign place. being foreign can be so welcoming sometimes. today, while in the times square stop, after a long afternoon of getting soaked to the bone by summer rainstorms, my friend and i were happy to come upon a group of guys breakdancing. it was so awesome! they totally had the crowd going wild. we stood and watched for quite a while as the crowd changed and revolved with each arriving train. they looked like they were having so much fun performing. in new york city, walking out of your door is an adventure. there are so many people to see, sounds to hear, worlds to walk into. this city gives new meaning to the phrase, "never a dull moment." 6.21.01 wow, haven't i been like the biggest downer ever lately? sorry for that! i have just been in thinking overdrive, happens every couple months or so. whenever i make a big change like moving to a new city. 6.20.01 so i was thinking about totally changing my life around, again. new direction, new career, etc. but you know what? i freaking love the internet, i love doing stellargirl, i love building stuff for the web. i got a part-time job at this excellent vegan restaurant and the whole time i was there, i was like, what am i doing here? so i left. i was thinking of maybe going to cooking school here in nyc, and maybe i will one day, but i JUST got here. there is no way that i can commit to anything like that. some of the reasons that i was interested in going to this cooking school were because i have been vegetarian for so long and because it seemed like i could have a career that is flexible and creative. i think that kind of career is entirely possible in other areas as well. i know that i have gotten to a point of frustration with the internet, this new economy has forced me to get laid off two times back to back! it sucked! the last job was the hardest because i worked with a really great group of people who i totally connected with. i felt like i was almost kicked out of my circle of friends, it was really hard to deal with. but they are still my friends. ugh. none of it makes sense. if i ask myself what i really want to do, i think about creative outlets like maintaining this site, writing, photographing, thinking. i know that in time, i will have more of an opportunity to define my personal direction. i am sure that i will, umm -- i hope that i will? right now, i just want to soak up the city that i am in. and hopefully not dream too much about other places -- just yet. i am still trying to figure out what it is that i am searching for... 6.17.01 if you want to read some more new stuff, check out the new & improved vagabond section featuring london diary, eyes of ireland, and tropicalia, action packed! that's all for now, it's past my bedtime. more introspective stuff tomorrow or so. i promise. i even have a short-term goal of figuring out my life by the end of the week. i have a major thing to check out tomorrow. who knows, who knows... hope that everyone had a good weekend. 6.14.01 (later on) since i have moved, i have decided to start a new journal. i have been trying to make sure i write every evening. i think it's important to get your ideas out on paper. i have several joursnals here with me, dating back about 4 years. it's pretty incredible. there is one problem, though. each journal begins feverishly and then results in up to 2/3 of an empty book. for some reason, i walk away from these books and then decide to start all over again. such is the case of my life, it seems. not really finishing... putting a lot of passion and effort into things, but always wanting a fresh start. i have some new goals for myself. one, i need to stay put for at least one year and two, i need to finish this new journal cover to cover. there are many more goals, but i consider those two to be pretty important. if i fill that book, i am sure i will figure out a lot of stuff on the way. so, as i looked through some of these old journals, i was happy to see the times when i was being very honest with the paper... and i was also saddened to know that many times, i was afraid to really put it all out there. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i want to just say what i think. and i think i have changed a great deal and am ready to do so. this is an introspective time, new city, new life, new york. i have a lot to see and do and to make sense of. i know that in this last tumultuous year, i have gained more insight and experience. i should hope so! one thing that i know has changed about me is my ability, willingness, desire to be alone. i used to always want to have friends and companions around. i still love to be with them, but i learned through having to be alone a lot of the time, that this is a wonderful time when you can accomplish many things like writing, reading, dreaming. it's important and necessary time. my being alone has brought you this site. hope you like it! of course, this site would be NOTHING without the love, support, and contributions of my good friends. so cheers to you! i am writing this at a late hour, because all that old journal reading brought me to an old entry i wrote shortly after my grandmother passed away. she died in the winter of 2000 and it was probably the first time i had to deal with the death of a loved one having understood the meaning of death, the finality of life. when i was much younger, i didn't really understand or believe in death. i remember when i found out that my grandfather had died, i thought it was a joke. i thought that we would get to his house and he would come out of a room and tell us all that he was kidding and that he wasn't really dead. i didn't understand that people you loved could just go away and never come back. well, maybe that was when i learned it. 6.14.01 guess what people? i freelance, and not that much. so that means i am looking for a job! preferably some sort of creative new media type of job in new york city. if you know of anything, let me know!! yeah! today i finally went to angelica kitchen, a restaurant that i have been hearing about for years. and i must say that the experience was absolutely divine. the food was just as yummy and healthy as i imagined it would be. and the people who work there were so nice. it makes me think of this really great cookbook i have been reading, The Voluptuous Vegan, by Myra Kornfeld.... she worked at AK for a long time and she went to this really awesome vegetarian cooking school in nyc that i may have been thinking about attending. that reminds me, i need to go to the grocery store. see ya later... 6.13.01 hey, a friend just sent me this really great picture from when my friends from ATG and i made a kickass indian dinner from scratch. thanks to roopa for the kitchen and the skills! click here to see it! 6.10.01 one of the best parties that i ever had was for valentine's day in 2000. i really went nuts for this party. i made invitations by hand and mailed them, decorated my house 4th grade style with streamers and paper hearts, and served killian's RED beer. even though at the time, i was living at the top of a hill, beyond curving cobblestone streets, a lot of people came out to celebrate the so-dubbed Lovest 2000. well, recently, i came across some polaroids from that party and i put them into my photo section. click here if you want to check them out.... thoughts of cold february nights are far from my mind in the current june warmth. you know that it's summer when you get your first blisters of the season from walking too many miles in your new purple flip-flops. it might be safe to say that a shoe that costs $5 might not be the best for long distances. lesson learned. i am really enjoying my new bedroom. it has been a long time since i have had all of my things so close to me. it is kind of strange how things can give you such comfort. i have this jar of buttons that i love because it is filled with such pretty colors. it isn't exactly something that you would pack to move across country, so i haven't really had it around. i use the buttons sometimes to make craft projects. the best thing about this jar is that i have one of my favorite fortunes of all time stored safely inside: the best mirror is a good friend. it's quite true. 6.8.01 hey stellar friends... i just moved and things have been really crazy and i don't have my super awesome connection at home yet. please bear with me on stellar updates and on email stuff. i got a lot of wonderful email this week from new friends and old and i promise that i will be in touch with you soon! have a great weekend everybody! 6.4.01 i love how you don't realize how much crap you have until you have to move. i also find it interesting when the plan is to go through your old stuff and part with most of it, yet everything seems to have some sort of sentimental value. i mean, how are you supposed to throw out old letters? you can't. i think it would be worse than throwing out money. but of course, you can't start new things with a big old box full of your past by your side. that's why parents' houses come in handy -- basements and attics. today i think i am going to buy my first air conditioner. apartment after apartment in hot and digusting philly, i have relied on the kindness of strangers for old and / or existing a/c units. no more! i want a brand spankin' new, all digital, CLEAN, working, functioning air conditioner, WITH a filter. yes, i have had some nasty air conditioners. all i have to do now is buy my own couch and i will have offically become a grownup. it's a good thing i can't afford that right now, because i am much too young to be all grown up. tick, tick, tick. just a few more days... 6.3.01 so june is here. it's time for me to say something new and wildly interesting. sorry if i disappoint you. i have been thinking a lot lately about moving, why i move, and why i move where i move. i am moving again this week and i am very excited. a dear friend reminded me of a letter i had written her while i was in rome. i told her how excited i was to return and get a really great apartment in philadelphia and throw parties and hang out. it's so funny how things have changed. now i see a place to live as a place to lay my head and find time to be quiet and only have my own thoughts to keep me in either a serene or crazed state of mind. home really is a state of mind. i have been staying in my lifelong home and wishing like hell i could get out of here faster. home to me has become what i am surrounded by, who i am with, what i am doing. i am excited to move to a place where i might possibly feel more at home outside of my residence. strange? perhaps. but i go with my gut, that is, until my heart breaks all of the rules -- as it often does. i like to be surprised by people. it makes me happy to know that it is still possible to be wrong about someone. it also makes me happy to be right about someone. when life gets a little dull or confusing, it's important to still let things absolutely fascinate you. i don't know how to be any other way other than enigmatic. one last thing: write a letter to someone with pen and ink. it's a beautiful thing. april 2004 march 2004 february 2004 january 2004 december 2003 november 2003 october 2003 september 2003 summer 2003 may 2003 april 2003 march 2003 february 2003 january 2003 december 2002 november 2002 october 2002 september 2002 august 2002 summer 2002 april 2002 feb / march 2002 january 2002 december 2001 november 2001 sept / oct 2001 july / aug 2001 june 2001 may 2001 april 2001 march 2001 february 2001 january 2001 december 2000 november 2000 october 2000 september 2000 summer 2000 copyright © 2000-2005 - www.stellargirl.com