feb / march 2002 3.31.02 i'm still at home and i feel like being here is like walking through 3 feet of mud with huge weights around my ankles. i forgot to bring my written journal with me so i can feel all of the excess mental crap swimming around in my brain. sometimes i read things, good articles about making life better... for myself, for my community, maybe even for the better of humanity, and i make notes in my mind about what i can do. i try to share these things with my family and that's where that feeling comes in again, going against the grain. always feeling like i am talking to a wall. the people in this house wake up every day possibly thinking that things can be different, but by the end of the day, it's the same old thing. day after day after day. unchanged. people wonder why i have been floating around so much over the last few years. i don't wonder at all. i wake up every day and i am thinking of something new. maybe i don't do something new every day, but i plan to, and i eventually do. or i make steps that lead me to something even more fulfilling. i don't know why right now i just feel a little burnt out by people in my life who constantly share their misery with me and when i try to help, they turn against me or suddenly their problems evaporate and they let me know i should just butt out. i am not speaking about anyone in particular, because if i were it would actually be a small handful of people. it has to do more with me. the fact that i walk around thinking that i can actually help everyone. that if i point out things to people enough, that they will see some sort of light. i feel like nobody really does this for me. they don't have to. because i find that light myself. or i let others perhaps give me a hint as to where to find it. but that's probably the whole point. you just have to figure it out on your own. so what do you do in the meanwhile? what are you supposed to do with all these people that seem so full of negative energy? am i the one filled with the negative energy? because that's entirely possible. i hope it's not true, however. i'm sure someone will write and tell me to simply just "fuck 'em" and walk away. another might write and tell me to "hang on, they'll come around." sometimes you don't have the luxury of either choice. maybe you're stuck with those people. then what do you do? i guess you just learn to let it all just roll right off your back. unaffected. i am beginning to learn how to master that. it's a strange feeling. you just shut off. how could you even close your heart like that? you just have to sometimes. something tells me that's going to catch up to me someday. and i am sure i am going to meet a person who is going to remind me to leave my heart open. 3.27.02 what goes up must come down. my subletter totally fell through which really SUCKS! anyone want to live in brooklyn for the summer? get in touch! be prepared to pay through the nose. welcome to new york! i am currently at home with parents feeling like complete shite. i have been laying down for about 2 days straight. i don't know what my problem is. i don't get sick very often. i think there is just too much going on right now. i can't believe i am going away! madness. that's all i feel like writing right now. ciao. 3.20.02 and it all comes full circle!! i got my tickets in the mail today for GREECE. yes, dear friends, i am going to the island of crete this summer to cook at a yoga retreat. yaY! we also found a really great subletter this weekend. i can't believe this is all happening! i am really excited. you know what that means? updates this summer will be few and far between.. i guess you are all used to that at this point. i have some ideas for keeping the thoughts coming, so i will let you know when i figure it out. also, i would love to write some paper letters to some of you. more on that later. HAPPY SPRING! :) 3.11.02 where to begin. so many things seem to be changing all the time, from the state of the world to the state of my own room. i will start small. i decided to move my furniture around last night to give my room a new perspective. this is also a way to give my life a new perspective, by the way. anyway, during the moving process, my dresser pretty much fell apart. i tried to be handy and put it back together, but i realized that everything comes to and end at some point and it was time for me to let go. believe me, i took the time to remember the history of this piece of furniture. my very first dresser for my very first apartment. yes, it was a piece of shit from IKEA, but i was attached nonetheless. today's adventure was a dresser mission throughout various flea markets in new york city. i didn't think i would find what i was looking for, but wouldn't you know, at my final destination, i found my dresser of choice. and so together, we shall begin a new journey. now i shall take a moment to expand my worldview just a tiny bit to share with you tonight's premiere vision. i went out to dinner and drinks with school friends and in the cab ride home, for whatever reason, my driver and i started discussing some park slope plane crash that happened 30 years ago. i have an affinity for having in-depth conversations with cab drivers. anyway, we then moved on to discussing the memorial to the twin towers. as we talked, my roomate chimed in to point out that the commemorative lights were indeed on full display in lower manhattan and we were witnessing them from our perfect bridge vantage point. there they were, two lights shining upwards into the night sky. in memorial of lives lost, of life forever changed. it was very moving. tragedy and horror may tear us apart, but it may also bring us closer together. one of the best movies of all time sums this idea up quite concisely: life is beautiful. 3.4.02 decision is made, and please ease your overly-active imaginations. it was pertaining to an amazing summer excursion which i am taking advantage of! yay! subletters of the world, get in touch! 3.1.02 roaaarrrr. welcome march. this morning, and all week perhaps, i was thinking about the theory of opposites. rather, my own personal opinion of them. this is how it goes: when you are comfortable, you are actually antsy; when you are really unsure, maybe it's because you are sure; when things feel really weird, they could be totally normal. i have been tossing and turning overthinking something that could be really obvious. i have gotten positive feedback from my entire support system, but it's hard to make things final. sorry for being so cryptic, but it will all become clear very soon. in other news, there are some pictures from my last party in the photos section. i almost forgot to take my camera out. i waited until about the last hour of the party which might help to explain the shitty quality. it was really fun though. much more interesting than i imagined. can i say one more thing? everything can change overnight. 2.26.02 an early morning call from denmark today totally threw off my day. it made me think about all of the possibilities that life lays out for you and also about comfort, challenge and adventure. there's a little voice in my ear that says that i should take a few more risks since i don't have anything to tie me down. but i wrestle with the whole idea that it's time to just kinda hang out where i am for a bit. if someone else was asking me for advice, i think i would know what to say. why is it an entirely different story when it comes to answering my own questions? 2.25.02 i have totally been obsessed with teen movies of late. one night i was flipping around the channels and Road Trip was on HBO and then yesterday i watched American Pie 2. i really wanted to see it since i caught the first one on tv last week. i'm hooked on movies with people like jason biggs, breckin meyer, seann william scott. what's wrong with me? i'm 25! 2.22.02 sorry that i have been out of commission for a few days. i guess that is a normal occurence here at stellargirl, but i did actually have a somewhat reasonable excuse pertaining to my internet connection. speaking of spring, it's been absolutely beautiful here in new york city. this morning i almost felt like i was back in san francisco. it was an overcast yet balmy day and herbaliser was spinning on my walkman. i felt like i was waiting for the bus back on hayes street. instead i was rising from the ground from the subway. in a pro new york state of mind, i was just telling my sister how sometimes when i get off the subway, i look around and say, wow -- i can't believe i live here. i am my own harshest critic both of any projects i create as well as decisions i make. for the last few years i have been floating and doubting (and also exploring and trying), but here in new york i feel like maybe i have found a place i'd like to stay for a bit. i feel like i am in a place that has everything to offer, any time of day or night. i have a friend who always says that when he leaves new york city, he realizes that it really is the center of the universe. i am not sure if i would personally go that far, but i would venture to go pretty damn close. especially at this time of my life. i think it's good to be in a place that makes you feel like the opportunities are either endless or abundant enough to keep you busy for several years. don't settle for what's comfortable because you might be saving $5 or because it's easy. challenge yourself and do what you have to do to reach closer to your dreams. and if you're already close enough, well then rock the freak on. so maybe i change my mind a lot and come up with about 10 different possibilities every single day. i keep my brain bubbling and my ideas brewing. i try to surround myself with others who inspire and motivate and i try to always return that favor. have you noticed how preachy i am today? ;) one last thing, you may now call my brother LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DUFFY. congratulations chris!! xoxo 2.13.02 i was just talking to a friend last night about planes flying really low and how sometimes you are totally oblivious to that fact and other times you are keenly aware. what really freaks me out is that occasionally i can actually read exactly what airline the plane is. like today, for example. there was an American Airlines plane flying very low overhead. again, the joys of living in brooklyn, representing flight patterns from here to laguardia. in other news, my valentine's day party has been postponed. i hate the fact that i had to give up some guests in order to re-arrange, but this week has just been a mess and i don't even think i want to deal with it! you know you're getting older when most of your friends have plans to leave town and go do other things. when i was in college, nobody had any money to go anywhere except over to your house to drink for free. those were the days. 2.11.02 in the spirit of valentine's day, i wanted to bring back an old question from the summer, who is your secret crush? have anything new to add? i bet you do. 2.10.02 brooklyn cable has some funny commercials. last night there was this one for a roast beef place or something, i wish i could remember the name. but it came on, and i really thought it was a joke -- i did happen to be watching a rerun of saturday night live on comedy central. it looked like it had been shot in the late 70s, the film was old and the people were dressed all weird. and it had this really annoying song. brooklyn is so awesome, but sometimes i really do feel like i walked into a time warp. the other day i went to the stationery store (??) and the woman behind the counter was probably about 50 with jet black hair styled like priscilla presley back in the elvis days. she also had on this very plunging shirt leaving nothing to the imagination. at least she chooses to be young, i guess that's a good thing. ** newsflash - the commercial is for Roll-N-Roaster, have you seen it? here's another good thing, the MUSIC section is finally here. our first review. we need plenty more. send send send. 2.4.02 Rozzie-Rozzerson: First, listen to your voice mail (which you probably have already done) to explain my unfortunate absence from your life and home this weekend. Technology blows when it replaces the old tried and true of an address book. But, I want to respond to your question "why do we give up what we want for other people? why do we settle for second best? do you all think i am crazy?" I don't know about other people, (I suspect it has a lot to do with how one was raised as a child) but I was never really taught how to deal with conflict in relationships: personal, professional or otherwise. It's one issue that I have to come to learn how to deal with as I've matured, however, I, too, still have problems holding myself subservient to others wants and needs. I think that conflict, especially when growing up, is something that is frowned upon. As a child, one is instructed not to contradict one's elders, one is told to utilize the "golden rule," one is told not to be selfish. But, as we all well know, not everybody abides by the golden rule. So we learn to pick and choose our battles. How you fight those battles really depends on your perception of yourself in relation to others. Do you love yourself enough, are you strong enough, to stand up for your beliefs, your wants, your needs when it comes down to the wire? If you are strong enough in your convictions, if you hold steadfast to what you know to be right and true (although humbly admitting when you are wrong), and convey those convictions with your your own truth and honesty, then you can never go wrong. Better to speak your peace then live with the regret that you've allowed yourself to be taken advantage of. Depending on the situation at hand, many times I find that it is just easier to give in when you know that it's not going to drastically alter or affect your own agenda. Giving a bit of yourself and your ideals at times makes it easier to get what you want in the long run. The important thing, though, is to never lose sight of not only what you want, but what you need to feel good about your actions and your relationships. It's all a crap shoot. Play the game or CHOOSE YOURSELF. Or play the game by choosing yourself. Yeah, I think that fits better. And, no, dear Roz, we don't think you're crazy. On this issue, anyway. 2.4.02 my thought for the day: CHOOSE YOURSELF. i realize this is both a complicated and a simple thought. there are of course, exceptions to the rule, particularly if this is in reference to your family. okay, maybe i should break it down. why should you let another person hold you back? perhaps that will better explain my frame of reference. i get so fired up about this sometimes, particularly because i have been in situations where i have let my interests and needs fall to the wayside as i try to please another person. you don't notice it at first until you realize that you have dug such a rut for yourself and it's extremely difficult to get yourself out. it's not impossible, though. not at all as a matter of fact. if you choose yourself, then you can lead yourself to your dreams and aspirations. you can follow your heart and mind to the ends of the earth and back again. choosing yourself means making your life a happy place where all of the people that you invite in will feel warm and loved. why do we give up what we want for other people? why do we settle for second best? do you all think i am crazy? please respond. i think i need to talk about it. on a lighter note, i am mostly done getting the music together for this year's valentine's day bash. 5.5 hours and counting of fun music for me and you. the details are coming soon. for advance notice, drop me a line. hey keslar, how did those auditions go? 2.3.02 hello february! nice to see you again! i decided to amuse myself tonight and read through some old yarn entries. wow, things have really changed! and i sure have written about a lot of crap on here. i was happy to read that i made it to a place that i talked about being 6 months ago. i was pretty confused this past summer, maybe it was out of my hands, maybe it wasn't. regardless, i took some risks, i took some chances, and i am finally okay with where i am (for now). it's a good feeling to realize that you made it somewhere that you intended to go. lately i have been talking a lot about going to all of these faraway places, but i really haven't been feeling it. reading old entries, i saw that i wrote a lot about trying to sit still for one year. besides all of the cross-country moving, i have also been relocating apartments with unheard of frequency. i haven't lived in a place for one whole year for almost 4 years. constantly moving, packing it up, starting over. it's hard. it's fun and adventurous, but also very unsettling. i still have lots of ideas for things i want to do. and i might not do them all, but i am still going to talk about them and consider them, and maybe one day, i will have done them all... that seems to be the road i have taken thus far. i got the most delicious leather bracelet in soho today. it's a real piece of art! april 2004 march 2004 february 2004 january 2004 december 2003 november 2003 october 2003 september 2003 summer 2003 may 2003 april 2003 march 2003 february 2003 january 2003 december 2002 november 2002 october 2002 september 2002 august 2002 summer 2002 april 2002 feb / march 2002 january 2002 december 2001 november 2001 sept / oct 2001 july / aug 2001 june 2001 may 2001 april 2001 march 2001 february 2001 january 2001 december 2000 november 2000 october 2000 september 2000 summer 2000 copyright © 2000-2005 - www.stellargirl.com